Mother's Day 2022 : my son is out of the house and now I am experiencing what millions of other parents have experienced emptiness syndrome! The thing is that more than anything I love love love love being Bam's mom and as unhealthy as it might seem I wrapped my entire existence around being his mom and because that's the way my life has been, it has been the best 18 years of a roller coaster ride of a life. I started businesses I've created legacies I have made sure that he has been a co- everything on my books on my music everything that I have he has a legacy from the relationship that we have but the day that he decided that he needed to be free was the end of birdie and Bam as I knew it but I didn't understand how much of a bigger picture than it would unfold to be. I love my son anybody who knows me knows Birdie and Bam and for right now Bam wants to establish his own identity and that's beautiful I think that right now my detachment is the part that has been sold hard for him to detach himself from me but the part that was that has been so hard for me is the fact that I have been hiding behind him in hiding behind him as a way that my life is it hasn't been fair and I can see how mothering becomes smothering and I don't want that life for him so we have to love and let go because parenthood is in phases this phase is a closed chapter but it's a beautiful new chapter 2 yet be unfolded and as much as I love my son with my entire heart he's not gone he has moved into another stage of life that is going to be so beautiful for him and it would be a tragedy if I stood in the place of his growth just because I want to hold on. Bam has always been a great child if you even talk to him now that has a great head on his shoulders everyone that talks to him knows him and loves him and the thing about it is that I can't even say there was one part in raising him that has been hard other than my own financial worries, my own relationship issues, my own life unfolding before me That young man has rode the entire gamut with his momma and he did so with all of the trust in love and faith and I am eternally grateful for his being my co-pilot in this life I love my son more than I love myself and I will say that again this is a really hard transition for me but I know that it's really hard for him but how else can he break free other than to break free and sometimes there is no right way of doing things there is no place where they're like. “Oh well this is my exit strategy, this is my plan” Sometimes that plan is just off the top of the head and it seems like a good idea at the time and that's that's what it has to be I mean some girls do it you know in a relationship, some guys do it in a relationship they go from one house to another house in order to catch their footing in a “Safe way” but of course in uncertainty and Bam is finding his way in the best possible way that he has configured for himself and I am not gonna stand in his way. This is a brand new generation this is a brand new generation of kids who have these Instagram Facebook lives that on their 16th birthday they get cars or you know these elaborate gifts constantly and when they hit 18 years old they have their own everything and age doesn't even define or even come into the to into account what it's gonna be. Well here we are, regular families with regular munchkins coming up on 18 with absolutely no solutions other than here let's start a business or here is it is a college education and what if you have a munchkin that does not want what it is that you hand them? what if the legacy that you built for them is not the legacy that they want? Because the beautiful thing about entrepreneurship and generational wealth that we have is being able to give our kids what we didn't have. Well, what if these kids don't want that? a lot of these kids want their own and of course that's a testament to who we are as parents that says Oh well my kid wants what he wants or what she wants but what if that legacy and I mean like business businesses socialists book that has anything to do with their future and they don't want we still have to be OK with that. We still have to be at that part where even though it might be a blow to all of the legacy building and generational wealth building that we're doing for our kids that they don't want it has to be enough still has to be enough and that's the hard part that's the absolute hard part and we have to deal with that. I don't think that a lot of parents want to deal with that or having seen it I mean spending time with a lot of the youth you see a lot of the kids that want to just break away break free that's why we have so many munchkins in the military at the age that they're at they want to be somewhere different they want something different and they put themselves in situations that they're not sure about and that they might not be OK in but at the same time it's the situation that they put themselves in so of course the part of childhood into adulthood that as much as we try to soften those blows and try so hard to make it as soft as a transition as possible a lot of these kids want to just jump off the edge some of them want a parachute and some of them don't and they look at the choppy waters and still see their way through and others they need rescue they need rescue and we gotta be their parents we gotta be there as much as we have to do it you have to be there because that's what our kids deserve. I remember saying to myself when we have these munchkins, when they come into this earth we are supposed to keep a roof over their heads keep food in their bellies keep clothes on their backs and was supposed to make sure they have a good education and primarily those are the needs; Maslow’s Law, we have every single thing that we're supposed to be doing for these munchkins and guess what part of my language but they don't always **** we could build that ,you know 401K up that college fund up we can hand them businesses but they don't owe us to work in it take advantage of it to do it and as much of a good well wishes that we have for them they don't have to take us up on our offer and that's still gotta be OK with us understanding that we just have to just be there under this these kids have not asked for anything coming in other than their needs met and plus a little bit of embellishment (you know that McDonald's that always seems to be able to be fixed at home lol) you shall know what I mean it's just a hard transition for all of us and my testimony to y'all today is that the evolution of Bam it is hard it's a launch but it's a beautiful unfolding into the young man that I had the confidence to raise and now have the confidence to let go and let him find his own way. And his way may never be back to me but he has my everlasting blessing, every tool that I've ever put in him, every thing that I've ever done for him, done with him, done to him is all in the memory banks. And sometimes there are different stories that they have to construe or misconstrue, the translation will ultimately it's their story , it's their story. I can't tell his story. I can't tell his life, I can't live his life all I have to do right now in my mission right now is to redefine my life now as a mother but now with child not with my son but as my child is living his life and how I can be there for him to support him from afar and I believe that a lot of the trauma, the generational trauma that our kids are that we had the ones that we have to break has so much more to do with perception of what you know like a lot of our kids have, that perception that mommy don't wanna let go, so I gotta do a whole bunch of weird crazy stuff in order to get my liberation and or mom don't let me go so I sink into this deep pit of sadness and the point of what she thinks or he thinks or you know what parent thanks is what it is like oh I've disappointed them so much. and no when a kid gets up from hitting the ground from riding their bike and they decide “no, I'm gonna get up on this bike and I am going to continue to try to ride it on my own I don't want help all you can do is just stand there and watch them hit the ground get up and try again hit the ground get up and watch them try again I live if they break something or if they need something hopefully they turn around to us for their solution and pray that we are there to catch them but the best thing that you could possibly do for your children at this age stage is not take it personally and that's the part that I know I'm working on because I've done everything that I possibly can for my child. I love him I always will love him and if he needs me I'm there. Break heaven and earth would they say you know just, just be there emptiness is everything to do with this bird trying to find her way now; the chickadees out of the nest and I ain't trying to have another chickadee. I did what I needed to do for mine and I need him to understand and know that wherever he is at any point in time in his life Mama Birdie is always there for him. I need him to always know that and there's always gonna be a legacy somewhere for him and I'm very very proud as he's building his own legacy from the bottom up and if he wants a piece of this he added to. Parents we gotta take ourselves out of their equation because even if you feel like you're able to give them everything they still gotta be able to receive it and if they're not in a place to receive it that has to be OK too we raised him that way we raised them to be independent we raised them to want more for themselves and then be mad at them because they want it because they're going for it Oh no they were supposed to do without us. it was supposed to do with us like which one is it supposed to be we wanna set them up for success And we still have to let them run that trial and tribulations of what success actually is so they can define it for themselves there's nothing like seeing these young millionaires and billionaires and then someone else can go inside of them and say Oh well you're not self made how do you want it how do you want it how is it supposed to be so we gotta let them find their way and I'm good with that alright y'all enjoy the rest of your Mother's Day I definitely said what I needed to say and wherever my baby is I love you and I hope you know that no matter what you do I always support you I do.

DAY TWO – Processing It's the day after Mother's Day 2022 I'm so so so sad I wanted so much to just believe this is a phase or I did something wrong. Mother's Day, I was so full of hope and optimism and they after I'm just so empty then I can't stop crying my son is alive and he's healthy and that's the only thing that I can continue to tell myself this is not something that I want to monopolize because his journey is his journey and I'm trying so hard to take the High Road or let him be free give him his wings but he hurt me and I don't know what to say about it other than I'm hurt he's being so cruel about it he has this animosity this something that grew in him in his past couple of months that I always did the best I could and again I don't want to make it about me but this is hard this is so hard and I feel so trapped I feel so trapped and needs four wolves I wanna get out of here so bad in my past I always talk about how I had postpartum post I can't even talk I had postpartum depression and I just wanted to be present for him and he was such a good baby I mean he just looked at me and understood so anytime I had a chance to just do good by him I always tried and I was always perfect I wasn't always perfect but I always tried it I love my son I can't I can't be here anymore I can't be here anymore this pain is so hard paint is so hard he left what I was saying goodbye he's being so mean I just wanna go I can't stay here anymore just like my postpartum I don't want to live but I don't wanna die I love my life I love myself I love my son I love my business I love the people I serve and I am in pain oh I'm in agony y'all and I don't wanna talk to anyone I just want this pain to go and I feel trapped and I need help but I don't know what to do I need a solution but I don't know where to find it. Ain’t no therapy that can help this I gotta get out of here now I gotta get out of here he's literally two buildings away from me it won't talk to me. i just wanna get out of here I wanna pack my stuff and just disappeare because I'm losing my mind. I'm grateful for my life I'm grateful for my son I'm grateful for my gifts I'm grateful for the people who love me I'm grateful for the people that love I'm grateful for this sun grateful for this sunshine I'm so tired I just need some air but I can't breathe here and I don't know what to do with myself I'll figure it out thanks for listening.

yeah so it's been a couple of weeks Nope actually it's only been a week and I packed my house like I packed everything boxes all over my house there's no food in my fridge or in my freezer because I want to run I want to go I can't live in this prison in my head sometimes I don't even know what day of the week it is this thing going today today how he's doing I know that he's scared and then there's the other times when I'm like why do I wanna understand cause they gotta be something everyone talks about the power of letting go you have to let go you have to let go and that's what he says I gotta let him go I don't know what that looks like and I don't know if I'm being selfish and wanting him in my life even though he don't want to be there I need to make it all make sense and I can't I'm heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and now all the pictures are off the walls all of my stuff is in boxes I'm living in a suitcase but I don't have anywhere to go and I literally just want to get out of my head and I don't know how to make myself feel better I don't know how to make myself better I don't know if I should take everything back out the boxes so I could put a period at the end of that sentence in just move on I don't know what that looks like but those moving on look like I don't know I don't know if I'm scared for him or scared for myself I sit here and I hope people my job my job is to help people get from here to there I am the bridge that takes you from where you are to where you want to be and here I am I gotta be a bridge to myself I this is new for me this is uncharted territory there's a whole of a part of this that I can't see through to in order to make it make sense yeah my house is a mess y'all I put all of the things to even wash the clothes inside of packing I can't even get my stuff I can't wash my dishes oh goodness I am being I don't know how to detach my heart from my mind in order for me to function I need to function cousin this corner of my world in need 4 walls I am not living and it kind of makes me feel like maybe I was hiding behind him all alone there's this badge of honor of being a mom and there's a subconscious context I guess bad mothers martyr themselves I guess maybe that's a part of the badge of honor of being a mom and we put ourselves last and the kids first and we're like look at me I am a great mother do you see me I show up for every single trip I show up for every single event I am the president of the PTA and then they hit a starting stage and age in their life and it gives you they're asked to kiss and I don't know if it's that part of myself that knew I was being a coward from living my own life but I was definitely not doing the best I could for myself and I know I'm still not just trying to process what makes sense because none of it does none of it makes sense this is the worst breakup of my life and I have faith but it's gonna be OK and that it's going to reconvene and I can be bam's mom again and not put it so harshly on myself that I didn't live my own life I am 44 years old and I don't know what to do with myself and everyone keeps talking about this emptiness thing and I guess that's a way to put it into perspective but man I feel like he ripped the band aid of motherhood right off me it's like getting all of these badges of honor that you put on yourself and then your kids just rip them right off and now I see all of these pop up groups that people are talking about parents as you know oh you're you would traumatized as a child and all I can say is that people processes are different kids deal with things in different ways they everyone story everyone can sit there and tell the same story in different ways and I mean like different ways and the story be so different that everybody would think that no one was in the same place at the same time but it is it's the same story everybody was in the same room everybody was in the same life but everybody processed things so differently and I think that's the part that I'm really trying to understand but all I can do is be accountable to myself and say where did I go wrong and the part that's so cruel about it is that I don't know where I went wrong other than murdering myself when I should have always been living the best life that I could possibly live because I want him to know that I love him and I know that he loved me and I don't remember when he stopped wanting to give me hugs and they say that nothing comes out of the blue only out of the oblivious but man I don't know I just don't know and if I could have lived my life a different way instead of making him my world maybe that's what I did wrong he is the center of my everything and it's probably a lot of pressure for kids these days everyone can just say how spoiled and entitled this generation is but their world is there it's different things kids nowadays are wearing a whole set of glasses we didn't even give them so there's a whole vantage point that they we can't even see from so we're already blind we're already blind the world sees when you mess up because somebody taped it somewhere when I was a kid I just messed up and the only time anybody knew that I messed up was if somebody was there and they told they told the embarrassing stories now people photographing in writing it all out and taking pictures and posting it and making it so that the world can see your shame can see your grief me I just want to tell y'all what I'm going through without telling you what I'm going through but I know that this is gonna help somebody else because as much as I pray that this is temporary and that this is just a really hard time that's gonna just get better and that bam is going to walk through my door again and let me be his mom but yeah he's he's grown so be his mom but like differently I just gotta figure it out y'all but that's the part that I know that I have to get out of my head about I did not sacrifice my life for my son I just sacrificed my life. And used him to justify why I didn't fly… yeah maybe that's it maybe that's it. later ya'll

It's so odd I really feel like it's almost cruel to mourn someone that's still here I don't know if that makes sense but just trying to process everything in saying to myself my well at least my baby still alive I'm so happy that he is and I see him sometimes and even though he has that wall up I see him the grief process is tricky because of flip flops every single day week by week and it just feels like forever every single day but then you look at the clock in the days gone like people put that five stages of grief and it's easy to put it on paper but then when you're like thinking about things in terms of how you can justify it objectify it and make it make sense and you can't you can't make it, it don't make sense it can't make sense I know part of life in this cold creative experience that will all having the thing that people forget is that free will and loving it's so hard I don't believe in unconditional love you can love people that's not true I believe that we love the way that we love and that love is for that person and no matter what they put us through that's their love that's their love in a pocket but I can't see my way through this dark. And I know that something great on the other side stage one isolation I've been a recluse in this house since I since he's been gone my blinds didn't go up my I didn't even turn the lights on I just walked in the dark I would take walks maybe around twilight time so that the sun wasn't too bright and I was only after I've been in the house for two 3-4 days don't know the days of the week and he got anger that's the day that I said **** you if you don't wanna love me and after everything that I've done for you **** you and it felt so good and then of course I get guilty and it's like don't say F you to your son but I love hem I love him so much but for him to cut me out of his life like the way that he has been such ah agony and then you hit bargaining maybe if I did this things would be different what my regrets are and then revisiting the reasons why he could possibly justify everything there's all I know that I did the best that I could end those pictures with 1000 smiles the videos the countless videos of performances sitting in the front row was not enough you can sit there and everyone can tell you how great of a mom that you are ah Nope not enough and is not not a could have done differently because raising him spend the best hardest times of my life and this is not even the end of my mothering journey he had depression I've been crying I can't tell you how many times I'll see a commercial I mean I was already a water bag so I would see a commercial and I would cry but now someone says something or I'll see something happen with someone else’s child or and I can pick and choose those little moments that I had with him and then of course the grief starts all over again and then we get Stage 5: acceptance that's when you say the serenity prayer 1000 times and say grant me to serenity to accept the things that I can't change it is what it is well whatever I can do in order to just put my clothes on in the morning and go about my day so I don't lose daylight I wanna live and when you give your life to your children you doing what you doing you doing what's natural I mean everyone talks about a mother's love is to say it it's again it's the pocket it's that love pocket everybody knows what a mother's love is supposed to look like but nobody could really tell you what it is 'cause it changes I always knew that the day would come that me and him would have to redefine our relationship because he's not a kid anymore and then I start bargaining and saying maybe I held on too tight and maybe if I gave him more freedom or maybe if I didn't give him if I gave him two 'cause I came I feel like I gave him too much freedom but the world is supposed to be their oyster and I don't know when I was supposed to let go or how that day was supposed to look what I'm hurting I'm hurting you and it's never going to change then five tricky stages of grief it's gonna be the same every single day independent on how I start off on a good foot the bad foot it's going to be what I have to accept and then I'm back to stage #5

I had a Chance and a Choice: An Encounter… No I was able to be bams heroes today and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell just happened but OK so last night I had a intervention because my house look crazy as hell like my house is it's a mess and I had packed my stuff all this I told my friends and my neighbors that I was packing up my stuff 'cause I felt like I had to get the hell out of here I mean I still feel like that but the intervention made me feel a lot better so the first part of the intervention I had gone upstairs I mean one of my girlfriends take it said oh let's go to the pool 'cause I've been in the house and as of recluse I need to get the heck out the house so I put on my bikini and she had some vodka and I for that part of the day did not think about Ben I was in the pool like social berdy all over like I like I used to be and it felt really good it felt really good felt really good then the I came back all the way late and i needed to take a nap but I was still kind of restless so I walked back out my house and um I end up bumping into a neighbor and she says I noticed your windows like it does your windows don't open birdie I know that you're hurting but I need you not to give up and of course I cried again because I just feel myself going all over the place you know so here I am you know that next day no not next day that that and after me and her talked I gave her a hug I cried she told me to pray came in the house and now I'm going to take a hot shower and after you know like I look out the window and I see the family that is hosting my son right now and I hope this is just filled with anger and I was so upset because I'm just like why are you here like of course being liquored up did not help I'm feeling like antagonized but it's a gated community and I don't own this corner of the world even though I feel like I do so here I am I call my girlfriend and I start crying and I'm telling her about how I want to go outside and I want to approach dumb people and all this craziness and I know that I sound crazy but I can't stop the crazy I couldn't stop the crazy so her and her boyfriend come came and got me girl put your clothes on mind you I am you know walking around 'cause my stuff is packed looking for clothes to put on so that I can get out of the house get in the car and they have another intervention with me but they get down to the nitty gritty as to what my whole thought process is and help me walk through it like I got good people y'all I got good people and I know a lot of people suffer in silence with this and even though I am suffering I think that I'm in the right place at the right time for a lot of these things to just happen so liquored up all day long all night long I get back in the house it's like 3:00 o'clock in the morning and I'm feeling better but still confused because I still on the fence or whether or not I should leave or whether or not I should go and everyone has an opinion and I'm still like living this hell but I go to sleep 7:00 o'clock in the morning I wake up now I usually start working at 4-5 in the morning 7:00 o'clock I was like hungover so I turned over and went back to sleep I was just like you know what forget it I wake up at 9 o'clock 932 like blood curling scream and it was it was the dog park I lived next to the dog park so all I hear is that with the dog in it was so scary that I jumped up I jumped up now I'm still like half kinda drunk-ish but I look out the window and I see my son with the dog that he walks he loves that dog like it's his dog and I see him holding the dog but there's a pit bull that's jumping on him trying to get to the dog and he's just holding the dog while this idiot of a person isn't like trying hard enough to get his dog so me I'm wearing this flimsy housedress no shoes on my feet I just run out of the house and justice run down there and to the dog park and the guy finally gets his dog and he just leaves so my son is still standing there with the with the dog that he loves and I will go over in a parking lot and the guy with the Pitbull let's go his leash drops it on the ground I don't know if he wasn't paying attention but I'm like the dogs are barking 'cause they just had a fight and he drops freaking leash and I see him coming towards us and I like I'm just standing there like Oh my goodness and I couldn't get to the gate fast enough to close the door and then the dog gets in and then he jumps all my son and the dog so I grabbed the Pitbull by his collar on his neck and pushed his face into the fence and just laid on him so that he was off of my son and his dog and I was just I just laid on him and then I locked my legs and I'm so surprised that my dress felt just stayed on because it was I was just wrestling a daggone Pitbull to the ground until the idiot came back in the gate to get the dog and I'm screaming get your dog get your dog and my son is still holding the other dog who got bit like in the neck so the guy comes in and he finally gets his dog and I get off the ground and the guys walking away and I'll just look at my son now he looks at me and I'm standing right next to him and he had that look of relief in his eyes and I looked at him and I said I love you and he said I love you too and then I turned around and I left I walked out of the dog park and I didn't even turn around and I just went home took a hot shower my finger is kind of messed up right now I don't know if I broke it or whatever but that was the first time that I didn't regret being here that was the first time that I felt like maybe I am supposed to be here maybe in some weird way I'm supposed to be a kind of a some kind of a guardian Angel or I don't know it's so weird like being super mom and swoop in and save him and I don't know if that was what I should have done Nah forget that I know that's what I should have done because I love my son and I don't know how not to protect him or be there for him when he needs me and I know that some people that's like oh you should have just let him figure it out Nah my first second third fourth nature is always gonna be to protect my cub that was that was crazy y'all that was absolutely crazy and I don't know I feel kind of feel good I guess that I was able to be there for him and he didn't ask for it but I sort of look in his eyes and I knew that he appreciated it and that was enough for me all and I don't regret it yeah I don't regret it I'm glad to do it I'm glad that I was there my body hurts but I'm glad that I was able to be there for my son yeah, yeah, yeah I'm glad I was able to be there for him

So I prayed I asked for clarity I need a way to see clear because a part of me feels like I'm throwing some kind of a temper tantrum he won't love me he won't be here he won't talk to me and as much as it might not be because of toxicity that he's gone it's definitely toxic for me to hold on to him when he doesn't want to be held onto he really wants space and I have to honor that even though it's hard for me 'cause I wasn't ready to let go you know I mean not that I put this out into the universe I know that there's gonna be people who you know when to feel like I'm putting him on blast but this right here is not about him per se it's about me just like him needing distance from me is for him and not me we just both have to live with those choices and decisions so I don't know fallen knows that I love him and that saying that so damn cliche of if you love him let him go if he comes back he's meant to stay but as a grown man where would he stay seriously he's supposed to go off into the world and do him and be who he's supposed to be and because I'm his mommy deserves my support and I guess that's where I'm at now I talked to my niece earlier and she's struggling because she pretty much like is in the same boat as him you know how we all suffer with mental illness or some sort but the difference between the both of the munchkins is that she got pushed out the nest and bam jumped out the nest but they're still trying to figure it out and I guess I want him to be able to say mom I'm drowning or mom I'm doing good and that I got his back like just like when I swooped in like rodeo lady and wrestled the daggone dog to the ground I wanted him to know that I got his back and I got his back no matter what I guess what I'm saying is that there has to be a point where I let go too there's this this diagram of a rope that's being held onto and it's like if you don't let go of the rope you just gonna be hurting yourself and you're not going anywhere in the ground below is not that bad it's just the fact that you can't see where your feet are going to be you don't know if it's going to be if it's gonna hurt when you hit the bottom you don't know if you're just gonna be OK you don't know if it's just gonna be a jolt to the system you don't know if your legs are gonna break but there gets to be a certain point where you know you can't pull yourself any higher than where you are and the only choice is to let go and when we I guess when we let go when we still have a little bit of strength of above we can still help ourselves get up but if we tire ourselves out by holding on until we have to until we give out then that doesn't serve us yeah I think that's it yeah I think that's it this is teaching me in my lesson in my part of it to let go and wish my baby well on his journey into manhood in grown-tude in using the tools that I instilled in him and all of the things that I have taught him and ever brought him into and legacies that I do have for him that they will be there for him when it's time for him to claim them and I'll be here optimum top version of me the best version of myself as mommy I had to do that for myself that ain't even for him just like his letting go of me isn't for me it's just my reaction that's not healthy I guess it's natural my reaction is natural but it is not healthy this being a darkness this crying all the time is frozen in my life me not moving on but stuck in limbo I'm in my own personal hell and I can't even blame it on him it's me and I gotta look in the mirror and say OK birdie get yourself together you still got a life to live and trust that your baby is OK yeah he's OK and even when he's not he's OK still yeah I mean it can't be easy for these kids nowadays to know that they have parents that they've done that have done as much as they've done and now they do when they look in the mirror and see sacrifice that's not fair and I'm sure that that's what they're doing to themselves because you know for the most part we don't just be like look what I've done for you I mean it comes in like small subtle forms of you know you got a roof over your head it's a good roof there's always food in the fridge look you have a business in your name I'm paying for the best camps and all of this other stuff and they appreciate it but at the same time when they look in the mirror all they see is your sacrifice that's a hard load that's a really hard blow to carry maybe these kids see icycle repeat itself any decide you know what I'm gonna jump off here before it goes around again and I'm just dragged in into the same thing and still not feel good about myself 'cause we want our kids to feel good about themselves you know yeah I guess I'm just gonna end this with saying I did the best that I could and his journey is not about me so I'm not going to make it about me anymore I'm gonna give him exactly what he needs which is what his interest that he needs space from me and I'm gonna give him exactly what he asked for but I will never be too far away because that's me I love my baby and even though he's a grown legal man he always will be and I don't want y'all to end and date him with the whole your mom said that she loves you but at the same time from that around and you heard this just hail just be my little mental angels out there you don't have to even tell him he just think it for me your mom loves you don't tell him because I don't want him to be like wait this is too much I don't know I don't know I don't wanna force anything I don't wanna be toxic I mean maybe that's why he ripped off the bandage 'cause he's like there's no easy way for me to just do this so he just leaped I can't beat a birdie that's mad at the bird forget nothingness so yeah I am not angry I can't be sad anymore I'm going to miss him he's still on this planet always in my thoughts always in my heart always on my mind well it's my turn I guess it's his turn over there and it's my turn over here and that's how I got to be so I guess it is what it is yeah thanks y'all love you long time